I am not okay poem

I am not Okay (I hide behind a beautiful illusion)

I’m laughing at his jokes, giving my affirmations,
I accept apologies, never bothering for justifications,
The highs are worth the lows,
He’s the one I consciously chose,
Yet, I am not okay…

Wearing my best smile and a dress to match,
Keep saying ‘I’m so lucky’ because he’s a catch,
His attention makes my heart sway
Every touch takes my breath away,
Still, I am not okay…

Great at romantic gestures and flattering speech,
His presence is like sunset on a beach,
I feel like a queen on his arm,
Always spell bounded by his charm,
However, I am not okay…

Next to him, I am not me,
I hold on tight, but I yearn to flee,
Masking bitterness with sarcasm,
Being cheerful like faking an orgasm,
Yes, I am not okay…

I say ‘yes’ when my guts are screaming ‘no’
Our perfect relationship is just for show,
He turns a blind eye to me blowing up his phone,
I end up crying my eyes out, curled up all alone,
Obviously, I am not okay…

I’m stuck in a rut, it’s pathetic, 
He calls me crazy, never sympathetic,
I run away and then come crawling back,
Thinking he makes up for all the things I lack,
To conclude, I am not okay…

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